I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”