Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.