@bleustreak

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

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@robfee

House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

@HaleyMDriscoll

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.