I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
philosophical skeletons be like
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!