I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

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House Hunters:
We need plenty of space for entertaining, 62 bedrooms, a fully staffed Cheesecake Factory & a heliport. Our budget is $287.


Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.


Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.


My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.


[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.


INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.