Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth