Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

mumsnet is amazing

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie