Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

getting seasonal up in here

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Natty or not?

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?