@JohnMCochran

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

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@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

@TuffyNyC

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@jimmytorosian

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

@ch000ch

me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car

my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot