i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.