i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m having an out of money experience.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.