i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
How dramatic are you?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”