Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.