I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Perfect
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.