I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Overindulged this afternoon.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
(True)
My flabber has been gasted.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’