Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

hmmmmmm

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.