Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)