@DancesWithTamis

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

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@PopSlapFunk

5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”

Me: …

5: …

Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”

@hayes_t_r

I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.

@bgirl314

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

@Xoolun

Cops: Jay X?

Me: Yes.

Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.

Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.