5: “Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants.”
Me: “It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Job’s all yours.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You Might Also Like
I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.
5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Cops: Jay X?
Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike.
Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
more like Clifford the Big Red Reason we are Homeless