I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
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Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)