I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”