I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation