i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
bad news gang
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
#CatsOnTwitter
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Weighing up my bread heating options
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
