i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?