I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
You Might Also Like
WTF
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I didn’t know they can drive…
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor