Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.