Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Welcome

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”