Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)