I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Finally, an explanation.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Who’s your best friend?
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.