Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

OH. COME. ON.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…