I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
