I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
guilty
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
