[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.