Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.