Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.