Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Grow up never but we old may grow we

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday