Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”