I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-