I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”