I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I hope Alan is OK
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
the simulation is moving too fast
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”