I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I try
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.