I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
This kid will have a bright future.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.