I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”