I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
black phone good
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Omg 🤣
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators