I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
honestly, i need both:
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.