Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home