I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.