I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.