I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.