Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service