[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I get it short people, I get it.
Oooops sorry typo,
I’ll get it short people, I’ll get it.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport