I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
You Might Also Like
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.