I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”