I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Oceanography is all about current events
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.