I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*