i want enemies
You Might Also Like
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
oh my gosh!!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.