i want enemies
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video