i want enemies
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
linkedin the good parts
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down