i want enemies
You Might Also Like
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.