i want enemies
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Noah
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
We will use anything but the metric system
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.