“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?