“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
You Might Also Like
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.