“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
happy halloween
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“How’s your day going?”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*