Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

*limbos under the caution tape

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

For real 🤣

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

respect

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.