Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

Breakfast for Stoners:

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.