Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Leaving the Barbers like

Pat is about to own someone

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

I can’t be the only one 😂

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities