I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
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Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
❤️❤️❤️
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating