I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Haha! 😂
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The Assassin.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.