i want it utterly assaulted.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine