i want it utterly assaulted.
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I only eat vegetarians.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I missed you with all my darts
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets