i want it utterly assaulted.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?