i want it utterly assaulted.
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.