I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK