Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

my nickname in college

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.