I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats