Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept