Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.