Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*