What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I want my ashes scattered when I die.
I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.
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I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.
Have to go out in public and wear pants..
Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
ME: … a plate
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now