@darrinfb

I want my ashes scattered when I die.

I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.

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@crunchenhancer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

@Mikecanrant

I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.

@FunnyBison

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

@wjflowers

“No flying cars yet?”, he wrote from a 2 inch by 4 inch pocket computer instantaneously to subscribers worldwide using only his right thumb.

@JennyBe03109525

Have to go out in public and wear pants..

Uuugh..need to shave my ankles again.

@sploosk

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

@aotakeo

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@Try2StopME

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now