I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
another case of gang violins
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.