I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”