Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…