I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.