I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
You Might Also Like
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
That’s classic.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Sunday
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no