I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
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Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Inside you there are two wolves
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Never let them know your next move 😂
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.