I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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