Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.