I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
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so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The “research” scene in every horror movie
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.