I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Ghost costume 😂
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I created you as mosquito food.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
favorite tropes as memes
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Yes, this is exactly right
