I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I feel it
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?