I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Self-cleaning conscience
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Smile they said.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Who says great literature is dead?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul